A few laughs for ya

Vėl naršiau netą ir radau neįtikėtinai šmaikščių tikrų ir pramanytų gyvenimo istorijų. Negaliu jomis nepasidalinti. Gero žvengo

Something all men should read

I met this pretty girl in a Burger King once and we hit it off quickly. She took me home and I met her parents and younger sister, and the family really liked me… Especially her sister. She was only one year younger than us, and she wasn’t close to being little. I’m a bit paranoid so I noticed that she would always jump on me and dance close to me, wear short skirts and bend over in front of me, call me and pretend to be her sister and talk dirty to me(they sounded a lot alike), but then say “Ha I tricked you! You thought I was serious didn’t you? Hahaha here’s my sister”. She even sat on my lap once…. Yeah….

But anyways I tried not to get ahead of myself and assume she wanted me and then make a fool of myself when I turn her down, but I always tried to make it clear I wasn’t into her like that. But one day… I got a call from my girl to come over. I called my friend and he drove me in his car, and we shot right over there. I told him to wait and I accidentally left something I thought I might need in the car. I went inside and there was her sister, in another short skirt…

She led me to the living room and kissed me on the cheek, and started walking up the stairs. I stood there by foot of the stairs frozen with disbelief and shock. When she got to the top, she slipped out of her panties and tossed them down to me. “I’m up here if you want to have some fun.” I glanced down at them and back up at her and I knew exactly what to do. I turned around and headed right back to the front door. All of a sudden her parents popped out of nowhere and my girl came and kissed me saying that it was all an elaborate test, and I passed!!!!!!!

The Moral of the Story is : Always leave your condoms in the car.


Hot wax

My sister sent me an email this morning that had me rolling on the floor in tears. I'll admit, I read this as a guy who has NEVER waxed. Given the
experience
listed below, I won't be trying it anytime soon!

Read on.........

Hey Josh, I have a depressing ass story to tell you, promise me you won't laugh. You promise? Okay here we go.....

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner,
play
with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my
mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of
the medicine cabinet."

So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those
"cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the
strips
together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press
them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.
No
muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am
mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other
stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in
so I
get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax,"
yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around
it
tight and pull. It works!

OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do
this!

Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward
body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I
sneak
back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship.
I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.

Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side
of
my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching
down
to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip)

I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRRRIIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!...

OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the
strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and
spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay
conscious. Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe,
breathe..................
OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused
me
so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in
the
glory that is my triumph over body hair.

I hold up the strip!

There's no hair on it.

Where is the hair???

WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see
the
hair. The hair that should be on the strip...it's not! I touch. I am
touching wax.

I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now
covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG
mistake...remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I
need
to do something. So I put my foot down.

Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and
think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head
may
pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax?

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can
stand
into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax
should
melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???

*WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub - The water is slightly hotter than that used to
torture
prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the
only
thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having
them
glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding
hot
water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented
myself
to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months
ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!! I call my friend,
thinking
surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me
undone.
It's a very good conversation starter "So, my butt and hoo-ha are
glued
together to the bottom of the tub!"

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal
but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know
exactly
where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?"

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the
rundown
and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

YEAH!!!!! Right!!

I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through
various
solutions I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor .
Nothing
feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued
shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the
sticky
wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and
I'm
pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this
event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving
grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.

What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY
GOD!!!!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my
friend.
It's sooo painful, but I really don't care.

"IT WORKS!!

It works !!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs
up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to
my
grief and despair....

THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts.
I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color.....


Stupid people

I started making and handing out signs for stupid people I meet. Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid".
That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them
anything.
It would be like, "Excuse me...oops, never mind. I didn't see your
sign."

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel.
There
was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test
it. "Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They
want
you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when
they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose
it!"

It's like before my family and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and
there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says
"Hey, you moving?"

"Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many
boxes it takes. Here's your sign."

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled
his
boat into the dock, I lifted up this big stringer of bass and this
idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?"

"No - We talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."


Last time my sis and I had a flat tire, she pulled the carinto one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at the car, looks at me, and the asshole says, "Tire go flat?" "..............Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up. Here's your sign."

My grandma was trying to sell her car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Goddamn that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

Over the summer I was with my uncle who drives an 18 wheeler. Wouldn't ya know he misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and he couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning.... ok ..... no problem. I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign...until he asked "So.. is your truck stuck?" Is this guy f*cking serious!!??! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said
"No, I'm delivering' a bridge...here's your sign."

Letter from K-mart

Dear Mrs. DarkGuyver (come on I mean we all know I wasn't gonna put my real last name here),

While we thank you for your valued custom the Manager of our store in New York is considering banning you
and your family from shopping with us, unless your son stops his
antics.

Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by
our surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in
people's trolleys when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to
feminine products aisle.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
tone, "Code 3" in housewares..... And watched what happened.

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and
told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a
Calor gas stove.

7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him,
he began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a
mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the
housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the
antidepressants were.

10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming
the "Mission Impossible" theme.

11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practiced the "Madonna
look" Using different size funnels.

12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed,
yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker,
assumed the fetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices
again."

And; last, but not least:

14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a
while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here."

Yours sincerely,

Store Manager

BTW this real talk people, I have the letter framed in my room.


Courage

A CEO, at a major company, throwing a party, takes his executives on a
tour of his opulent mansion. In the back of the property, the CEO has
the
largest swimming pool any of them has ever seen. The huge pool,
however,
is filled with hungry alligators. The CEO says to his executives "I
think
an executive should be measured by courage. Courage is what made me
CEO.
So this is my challenge to each of you: if anyone has enough courage to
dive into the pool, swim through those alligators, and make it to he
other
side, I will give that person anything they desire. My job, my money,
my
house, anything!" Everyone laughs at the outrageous offer and proceeds
to
follow the CEO on the tour of the estate. Suddenly, they hear a loud
splash.

Everyone turns around and sees the CFO (Chief Financial Officer) in the
pool, swimming for his life. He dodges the alligators left and right
and
makes it to the edge of the pool with seconds to spare. He pulls
himself
out just as a huge alligator snaps at his shoes.

The flabbergasted CEO approaches the CFO and says, "You are amazing.
I've
never seen anything like it in my life. You are brave beyond measure
and
anything I own is yours. Tell me what I can do for you."

The CFO, panting for breath, looks up and says, "You can tell me who
pushed me in the pool!!"



Present

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new girlfriend's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his girl's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.
During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and his girl got the panties. Without checking it, the guy sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:

"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove".
"These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really good".
"I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again".
"When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing".
"Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love.
"P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."



Sign language

There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said.

So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.
First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw. "zork"

Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.
The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw."
The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming."



Virus

There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally,
and by hand.

This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you
receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via
any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. It will wipe out your private life
completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take
two good friends to the nearest grocery store.
Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract
(WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER).

Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated
from your system. Happy to help inform you



WHO IS JACK SCHITT


For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a
loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!' Well, thanks to my
genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the
fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N.
Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple
produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull
Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high
school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt
divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and bec ause her kids
were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then
known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.


Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a
rather nervous disposition
named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and
Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently
married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement
in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The
Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently
returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct
them.





Bullfrog

An attractive woman entered a pet shop. When the clerk offered
assistance,
she explained that she was recently divorced, and was looking for a
small-ish dog for company.

The clerk explained that the name of the store was 'Exotic Pets' and
that,
unfortunately, they did not stock cats, dogs, fish or any commonplace
pets.

He did say, however, that he had something which might be ideal.

He took the woman into a back room. He walked over to a terrarium, and
pointed proudly to a large bullfrog which sat inside it.

"Would that suit your needs?" he asked.

The woman answered, scornfully, that she hardly thought an amphibian
would
be a suitable companion.

"Ah," replied the salesman, leering, "but this 'amphibian' has been
carefully trained ... to perform oral sex upon women."

At this the woman's eyes lit up. She eagerly negotiated a price of $500
for the frog, and left with it in her expectant possession. Arriving
home,
she drew a bubble bath, poured a glass of champagne and relaxed in
anticipation. When she was thoroughly mellow, she dried herself, and
arranged herself, nude, upon her bed. Parting her thighs, she placed
the
frog between them, closed her eyes, and waited.

Nothing happened.

She prodded the frog.

Still nothing.

She moved it up further toward her body.

Nothing.

She ordered it to perform.

No response.

After an hour of this frustration, she lifted the phone, and called the
pet shop. When the clerk answered, she complained loudly that she had
been
cheated. The clerk apologized profusely, wrote down her address, and
said
he'd be right over.

Ten minutes later, he knocked on the door, and the woman answered,
wearing
a nightgown. He asked her to demonstrate the problem. She obliged, by
disrobing and assuming her former position, with the frog in place.

The frog made no movement.

"You see?" she asked, petulantly.

"Yes, I do," said the man.

Then, addressing the frog as he removed his necktie and shirt, he said,
"Now, I'm only going to show you this one more time..."




Men laws


The International Council of Manlaws, Ltd.

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following
Circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally
killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a
friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is
forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is
unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for
another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is
strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip
bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not
the weakest.

9: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when
you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a
t*pless model and only when it's free.

10: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you
allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

11: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

12: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

13: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see
anything.

14: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as
spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability
to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

15: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

16: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be
talking about his choice of beer.

17: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting
weights:

a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

18: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for
Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets
an Xbox. End of story.

19: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's
Gymnastics. Ever.

20: We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you
really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you
informed, the definition of each is listed below:

"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys,
being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to
say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys,
smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping
your wife on the a** and having the balls to say, "Roll over,
You're next!"

I hope this clears up any confusion,

The International Council of Manlaws, Ltd